Training Towards Identity

By Andrew Ready

‘Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it’. Prov 22:6.
 Proverbs 22:65 is a frequently quoted verse in relation to parenting. It contains a great promise, but is also a sobering verse as we consider the implications of the way in which we raise our children. To understand the promise, we need to stop and ask what it means to ‘raise a child in the way he should go’.

This ‘way’ does not refer to a parenting technique or method. When the scriptures speak of a ‘way’ they speak of the whole way in which life is lived. The word ‘way’ describes the culture and mode of living. This includes the priorities we have (and therefore the activities we do) but more importantly it describes our relational approach toward God and one another. This is what is meant by a family’s ‘culture’. Our culture is not so much whether we like going to the opera or the football, or the type of food we like to eat. Culture describes the way we live together in relationship.

You have probably heard at some stage the phrase ‘Do as I say, not as I do’. This frequent tongue-in-cheek phrase is actually very close to the truth. The things we do, the way we interact with each other, the approach we take to life, is what our children will be established in. ‘The way’ of Proverbs 22:6 therefore is not a list of good parenting techniques, but an all encompassing approach to life.

If we are to see our children established according to God’s way then we must reflect on the ‘way’ in which our whole life is lived. We also need to reflect on the way God has ‘named’ each one within our family. Within our marriage, do we know how to honour each other as a unique and distinct person who was planned and foreknown by God the Father?  Do we know how to give room to each other, not competing for equality but understanding the unique contribution made by a man and by a woman?  These questions are at the heart of God's ‘name’ for a married couple. We will have a greater capacity to establish our children in God’s way if God’s way is the way of our marriage.

 As we look at each of our children, then, we can begin to see their uniqueness. We can parent each one according to their God given ‘name’, or identity, rather than a ‘one size fits all’ technique. As we reflect on the articles in this magazine we need to pray for wisdom to not raise our children according to a technique, but according to the ‘way’ in which God has ‘named’ them to live. Our children’s capacity to honour and respect God and others, and to love with a Godly love, is the ultimate goal. The teaching of an external behaviour (eg. good manners) then becomes a tool for teaching this. Behaviour is not the primary focus in the bigger picture of parenting; rather it is the capacity to love and honour. Learning to honour the ‘name’ of others around them will, in turn, help our children to honour the ‘name’ God has given them, too, rather than succumb to other sources of ‘naming’ such as peer pressure.