Connecting With Our Children

By Shannon Ready

Your baby has just entered the world, and as you hold her for the first time, you feel a sense of awe at the miraculous perfection of this tiny person. You vow that you will be the best parent ever, that you won’t make any of the mistakes your parents did, and that you will have a bond that will last a life-time.

As a primary school teacher and a mum, I’ve seen so many parents begin their journey in just this way, and yet a few years down the track reach a point of saying, ‘this is not anything like I thought it would be. I don’t know what to do now.’ Often, as a child reaches the teens, we hear a parent say, ‘I don’t like the person my child has become. What went wrong?’
It seems we all start the journey on a great wave of optimism, but often are not prepared for the good, the bad and the ugly of parenting that goes along with the excitement, the joy and the wonder.

So what is the secret to maintaining a good relationship with your child? There seem to be many different parenting philosophies to choose from. Some would tell you that it is all about setting boundaries and maintaining control over your child’s actions. Others warn against being overly restricting, and letting your child find his own way in life.

I think the answer lies in understanding that good parenting is not based on technique but is relational, and that relationships take time and are almost always messy. We live in such a time-starved generation, it seems that we rush our children from activity to activity and forget that what our children crave most is us.

We need to give them the dignity of our attention, take the time to find out who they really are, what they are struggling with most, and what really excites them about life. Then when we need to ‘hold the line’ on issues, there is a foundation of love and trust from which to work.

There is some interesting advice given in the Bible for children and parents. ‘Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right…. Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.’ Eph 6:1‑4

What does this mean?

Setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ to our children is not about controlling them, but setting them free from the inclinations that would eventually destroy them. This is why ‘it is right’ for a child to obey his parents. Only as he learns to listen to the ones who know him and love him most, will he find out who he was truly made to be, rather than chasing every whim and insecurity that besets him during childhood and adolescence. In the case of not provoking your children to anger, I take this to mean that enforcing obedience is not enough. When we just coerce our child into obedience through techniques, we are in danger of bullying. Resentment and anger on our child’s part are often the only outcome. Then when he gets old enough to thumb his nose at us, he surely will. On the other hand if we are constantly sowing into our relationship with our child by giving him the time and space to share his deepest thoughts and feelings, and to feel accepted despite his failings and differences from us, then our expectation of obedience has a context. Even though we will still face messy, rough times, our hope is that our child will eventually understand our ‘why’, and put aside his own self-destructive desires because of his love and trust of us.

Of course this will be different at different ages. In the case of my twenty month old, who spends most of his life walking around saying ‘no’, I have to insist on his compliance consistently for things like sitting in his high-chair and holding my hand when crossing the road. However it is also important that I spend time cuddling, reading to him and laughing with him. These are the things that form my relationship with him, so that I am not just a distant authority figure, but someone whom he can love and trust. In the case of our five year old, I find it a challenge to give her the time and attention for her to tell those stories that go on and on and on. I often find at the end of a busy day, when we are having meltdowns and she is not coping, it is because I have not taken the time to give her the attention that she needs, rather than because I haven’t set tough enough boundaries.

Above all we can seek the guidance of a loving Father in heaven, who loves us as well as our children and holds the keys to us truly being connected to our children.